by Makayla Secrist Staff Writer
Giraffes? Dumb. Snakes? Weak. Lions? Lame. Dolphins? Ridiculous. You want something to really throw your obsession into and get tattooed on your face, look no further than the majestic oceanic creature the octopus.
First off there are three different ways the plural of “octopus” is made. How many other animals can claim that? It can be octopi, octopuses, or even octopods according to Merriam-Webster. These gorgeous cephalopods have mastered the tricks of camouflage allowing them to hide in plain sight by changing their coloring and even texture of their bodies to match their surroundings.
These beautiful watery kings and queens of the ocean can hold three times the love with their three hearts. They have one that pumps their literal blue blood (true royals) to organs and the other two to their gills. Yeah Dory got that one right. What she forgot though is swimming actually shuts these two hearts off for a time which is why they prefer to crawl. Repeatedly stopping and starting your heart for any other animal? Dead. For the octopus, it’s just a bit tiring, but great for escaping that one family member that keeps asking if you’re ever going to get a boyfriend.
Octopus can escape threats like these and more by squirting water to propel themselves forward. Most can also shoot ink into Aunt Debby’s face that not only makes it harder for her to see, but also masks the octopus’ scent so she can’t follow.
Other octopus have defenses even more insane than a simple fart cloud of doom. While all octopuses have venom to subdue prey, the Blue ring octopi, which are only a few centimeters long at adulthood, are venomous enough to kill a human in a single nibble. Not only that, but they carry two types of venom in their tiny, killer bodies. One they use for prey to simply subdue it and eat in peace, and the other for killing anyone who tries to threaten them.
The blanket octopus also has a few awesome traits. Along with the general awesomeness of simply being ocean royalty with it’s blue blood, It’s immune to the Man O War Jellyfish (You know, that one that’s the deadliest jellyfish known to mankind?). Well it likes to rip off the long stingers of this bad boy and use them as deadly whips. Don’t remember cheetahs being able to do that.
Octopus have no bones at all. The only hard part on their body is their beak (or beaks like in the case of the blue ring octopus). Their beak is smack in the center on their underside where all their arms meet. As such they can squeeze through any hole or crack big enough to get their beak through. Good luck playing hide and seek with these guys.
Most octopus’s arms are covered in these wonderful suction cups. These cups can be moved around independently of each other like you would pinch your thumb and pointer finger together. Octopus also use them as sensors of their environment and can taste with them.
Nearly everything any octopus does is fully hard core. Some species of males will tear off their arm that’s equivalent of a penis and give it to a female for later use (probably smart. Bad sex usually results in the female eating the male). After the female impregnates herself and lays eggs (several hundred thousand), she then devotes everything to protecting them until they hatch and she dies of starvation.
I could go on and on and on about these amazing creatures. They’re incredibly intelligent and their antics in aquariums that attempt to keep them are hilarious to read up on. They’re clearly the superior species to all other animals and if you don’t agree, you’re wrong.
Learn more with this video from OctoNation where viewers can meet Godzilla, the great pacific octopus living in an aquarium.
Call of the Lake 
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